Yalei Wang

2012-02-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, i went to Metropolis bookstore and spent 200 bucks on books. I never feel bad buying books or spending a lot of money on books because I write and reading helps me with my writing. Lately, i've been getting more into big hardcover books that have heaps of photos in them as opposed to novels which i usually am buying on a regular basis. Yesterday my splurge consisted of Andy Warhol's Giant Size which is this awesome book on pretty much ALL his work that he's made ever since he was a kid and it really is giant sized, A book on Edward Hopper one of my favorite painters, Jules et Jim, 1Q84 books I,II and III and The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis. The good thing about big hard cover books with lots of photos is that they are substantial but they also cost more. I always get really psyched when i find a big hard cover book that's below 50 dollars. They're rare.
Today i didn't do much. I got up, made some mint tea, read and then went out to degraves street to have a bowl of soup and browse the internet. Last night me and my housemate Robbie and his boyfriend drank some wine then watched Romy and Micheles highschool reunion ( which is one of the best movies ever ). I especially love Heather Mooney. SHE'S SUCH A BADASS!
Now i am at state library killing time before i have to go to work. I started my essay on Beauty which was assigned to me by my writing mentor which i really should be continuing right now :-S

2012-02-05T17:52:00.000-08:00

Blog has been neglected due to the fact that we have no internet at our house. I'm surprised at how far i've come without it. But technically i have still been using the internet. On my phone and in libraries, which is where i am right now. So i've just passed my first month living out of home at Knight street and it's been pretty amazingly great. I think it's been great because i've got 100% freedom now and that i'm also 100% independent. It sounds weird but i really love paying my rent and buying my own groceries. Such banal things to love. Paying the rent is probably the weirdest. Most people hate it but every time i hand over the rent i always feel a sense of accomplishment and pride!
Other than living at home right now my main obsession is with Simone de Beauvoir and Jean Paul Sartre's relationship. Those two are just on another plane. I don't know how to explain it, but the fact that they were in an open relationship but remained committed to each other over a period of years seems ironically very intimate. It's intimate because they knew that no matter who else they decided to sleep with or be with, they'd end up returning back to each other in the end. Like they needed each other ultimately no matter what interferences came between the folds of their life.
The novel which i am reading at the moment by De beauvoir : She Came to Stay is about how this girl ' Xaviere ' comes between her and Sartre's relationship. But in the book she uses fictional names. Simone De Beauvoirs writing is so affecting. She doesn't miss a beat in regards to telling you how it was. Every movement is painstakingly described with minimal words ( fucking boss skill ) and as the reader, you feel a vulnerable intimacy. She really tears out the deepest and most sensitive feelings from inside her and confesses it but never ever sounding cloy or sentimental. Ironically it sounds analytical and objective. Go figure.

2012-01-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

I really have to express my love for Tarot cards. They are great. The other day at work we had down time which is when the computers experience technical difficulties and we all get to just bum around and chat and do whatever we want. One of the girls at work bought a deck of tarot cards into the tea room and we all got into a frenzy of requesting readings. I had mine done and so did the circle of people around the table. There is something so exciting about a tarot reading. And NOONE can say they are not at least a little bit interested in what the cards are going to say about them.
I got swept up with the idea of tarot cards and what i could get from them. Guidance, direction, but most of all answers. But before you accuse me of buying into occultist mumbo jumbo, i'll have you know that i still hold a bit of skepticism in regards to this kind of stuff.
I do not believe entirely in the existence of spiritual realms and entities and stuff like that. I don't even believe that tarot cards really have the power to predict the future. What i do believe is that tarot cards are excellent prompts for evaluating and thinking about different parts of your life that corresponds to what each card is representing.
A negative card corresponding to say your love life mayn't mean that it is going to go down the shitter in the next couple of weeks. Take this as a prompt for thinking about what might be bothering you about it, and what has been bothering you about it in the past etc. They are excellent prompts, and excellent impetuses for galvanizing change in attitudes and action. I feel like tarot cards point you towards possible answers. It's still up to you to find them but they steer you towards certain directions and it's up to you to think about what they are saying ( that's if you want to ).
I did a reading last night and i have to say the cards were very temperate. In fact they were so temperate that it sort of freaked me out a little bit. They pretty much stated the present situation quite accurately. The future looked bright, and they confirmed a lot of what i already felt about certain things which i don't know whether is a comforting thing or an irritating thing.

I really want to study these cards. I know it's going to take me months of practice and study to get good at doing readings. I really want to do them for other people but i don't think i can really give good detailed readings until i am familiar with all the cards. By 50 readings i'll start to get the gist of it i think. It's true that it is the vague nature of the tarot that ensures its applicability. But if we rule out the notion that tarot cards do actually predict the future, then it doesn't really matter if the tarot is vague or applicable to everyone because they are FOR everyone.
They say that we all have our own problems but if we take away the individual and look at their problems by themselves, we can probably apply this problem to other people too. So if can see that everyones problems are more or less the same, whilst keeping in mind that yes, everyone is different, the tarots applicability to a wide range of people isn't really a scheming tactic but a necessary feature in looking at people and components of life holistically.

In the book that my friend and i bought to study tarot cards, the author says that despite what the cards say we still have the power to defy what is laid out for us. I found this to be a tad contradictory to the entire idea of the future. Isn't the fact that we're going to see a fortune teller to see what is inevitably destined for us in the future?
When i say that i'll look to the tarot for guidance i don't mean dependence upon what they say to reassure me in matters of my life. When i say guidance i mean i think that the tarot will be like arrows pointing me to aspects of life that i should probably pay closer attention to.

I'm clearly extremely obsessed at the moment but i have a really great feeling about these. I highly recommend them.

2012-01-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

Had a fucking amazing new years with some sick people. Sat in a row on a stone wall facing Sandringham beach popping Moet and counting down underneath the moonlit sea. I have good feelings about this year. My first day of 2012 was awesome. Pretty much just chilled the fuck out all day with my best friend marle and her boyfriend Liam beside the blow up pool on a banana lounge, rolling doobs and catching bees then putting them into jars because they were annoying us. Moving out this week officially with high spirits. But admittedly i do feel a little sad as well. SUCH IS LIFE.

2011-12-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty much freaking out in a really good way that this year is coming to an end. It was fucking BORING! Next year won't be though because as you've been told too many times, i'm moving out and it's going to be interesting as fuck. I've always said to myself that if you don't move out before 24, Yalei you're a fucking loser. And because i'm moving out before 24 this means i'm not a loser. I've given myself a deadline. As of March next year, i have to get my shit together writing wise. Seriously i have been 100% slack eversince uni has finished. The only real quality thing i've written is my philosophy essay for trimester three which i'm still completing over the internet.
I've been a complete shit in regards to that stuff and it's not me. It's going to change, i'm telling you! Other than that, i'm looking forward to an intimate night for NYE with A & M the two girls that run my life.
I believe that life is way too complex for us to be 100% happy all the time, but recently life has been pretty great for me and that NEVER happens, i NEVER say that about my life. I deserve it all though, when life is lame it's good when it finally isn't that lame anymore.

Here's to 2012.

2011-12-26T02:21:00.001-08:00

I'm really into Bill Evans at the moment. In case you don't know, he's a jazz musician that was most prominent in the 50s-60s. I'm watching this movie/documentary about him called " The Universal mind of Bill Evans " and i've learnt some pretty interesting things about improvisation and it's connection to jazz.
I love jazz but i ALWAYS forget that improvisation is a huge part of it. The spontaneous arrangement ( or lack thereof perhaps ) of sounds, rhythms, beats etc. The musician allowing their conscious mind to be arrested by the whims of fleeting winds from the unconscious. Improvisation is stream of consciousness in musical art form.
Evans talks about freedom in improvisation and how even though there is freedom in improvisation, he still abides to 'guidelines' or original 'frameworks' of any peice of music that he plays. I liked this, even if it sort of defies what freedom means in its intrinsic form.
I agree that you can still find freedom in a confined space. As long as you are the proprietor of your thoughts, that is, you have control over what you think, and how you execute your thoughts and actions then that means you have a degree of freedom.
Before i watched this documentary, i actually believed that all this stuff that Evans played were composed pieces of music as opposed to improvised variations of a given tune.
All the things that he plays is more or less 'invented' at that moment in time with his fancys or desires which encourage him to play what he plays.
My fascination towards this seems overdrawn. But the reason why it's such a fascination to me is because the music sounds SO COMPOSED. It sounds as if he's playing the piano in accordance to sheet music.
There's so much intrigue in this. The big question really is composure in general. That's the amazing thing about jazz, it's composure lacking component.

Guilty Pleasure

2011-12-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

The Sign - Ace of Base

http://www.mediafire.com/?4znb7hsz2fhn4tp

2011-12-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

As i was laying in bed just before, eyes pulled wide open by the strands of Insomnia ( It's crept back again ) i realised that my time at home is quickly drawing to a close. I hate making a big deal out of things, i really do but it's a very intrinsic part of my personality so i just have to write about how moving out is such a big deal for me.

My parents went to look at my new home a couple of days ago and they came home with little good things to say about where i was about to move out to. My mother was unusually reticent in the matter as she let my dad take full reins in informing me how un-happy and un-approving they were. " Footscray is no more better than Springvale " my dad stated matter of factly, but with an undeniable twang of condescension which i thoroughly resented.
All they both could see was the suburb and the stigma that's attached to it. They were not supportive at all of my leap towards independence which is ALL i wanted to them to be. It's a trying situation since their disapproval is born out of concern. When disapproval is born out of concern, you are at odds with how you should react. Because to attack or rebutt their claim is to reject their care for you despite how angry you feel towards someone not being able to see things from your perspective.
I don't give a shit about the suburb to be honest. I'm so eager to leave home because i want freedom more than anything else in the world. I want freedom from my parents, from rules, from regulations and from restrictions that are in myself and out there in the world. I know it's unrealistic, but i always let myself stew in being unrealistic. It's possibly one of my greatest luxuries. Moving out of home is one of the first steps in attaining independence and i'm ready for all the joys and sorrows that it's going to bring.
I'm not scared about living poor. Over the years my desire for material items has greatly diminished to the point of only ever wanting humble items like books and a baguette from the Vietnamese Bakery.
I'm enthralled at the idea of getting to know the people that i'm about to move in with. A string of individuals who i've always known from a distance but never up close. And perhaps the most simple thing i want but haven't been able to have is the freedom to be able to smoke a cigarette whenever i want. It sounds trivial but it really isn't. It's going to be great having that freedom.
Also i'm pretty in love with the idea of living on top of an art gallery. For one thing it's unconventional and interesting. I don't know (m)any people who live in such a setting. And two, since my interest for art is developing everyday, i feel it would be an asset to this interest to literally live within it. If i ever get bored, i can go down stairs and look at what people have made.
I'm assessing my room right now and i don't think i'll be needing that many boxes to put my things in. Perhaps 5-6 at the most. The majority of things that need to be boxed are books to be perfectly honest. The dates have been changed and i've decided to move in early to mid January. I'm so fucking excited it's ridiculous.
It's almost embarrassing how amped i am.

2011-12-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, i'm currently in completion of a trimester three unit in order to fulfill the 24 credit point quota that is necessary for me to obtain my writing degree.
Before i began this unit, i was excited, but little did i know that i was already neck deep in holiday mode habits and mentality. To be able to wedge myself out of this headspace? Difficult, in fact i'm still not out of it and the first essay is due on Thursday. No high expectations though, a credit for my essay will suffice ( for the first time ever )

Anyway, this unit is fucking depressing. Philosophizing is fucking depressing. What is philosophy? It's unpacking the components that make up any sort of idea or belief and explaining how these components connect meaningfully to create an ' established ' idea.
Love. That's the topic of this unit and like many others i'm sure, i believe love is most irrefutably the most powerful source of energy that we have.
Everybody has a notion of what they believe love is. Sure they may not have experienced it or been in love, but everyone knows that there is this thing called love out there, and that despite not having experienced it first hand, they probably know of someone who has.

Before i started this unit, i regarded love as a very general thing. Love to me was simply being in love with someone or something, having deep and meaningful feelings for that person or thing and having some sort of connection with that person or thing. I feel naive to have believed that love was so simple when in fact this unit has taught me that it is the complete opposite.
The falling of into love is simple, but the negotiation of why you are falling in love and the reasoning behind why you love someone, that i've always know is complicated. Philosophizing about love really obliterates romance completely. Romance is a notion inextricably tied to love. Reading and learning this unit, relegates romance out of the picture completely to present love anatomically through pragmatic reasoning.
In my opinion, life is probably the most indifferent thing in the world. Life is indifferent to your feelings and your ideas. Your the one that imbues the attribution. Love is the same. We see love as this beautiful cosmic thing. When in actuality, it is just a series of events that can be philosophically explained.
LIFE IS INDIFFERENT, WE'RE NOT.

2011-12-17T05:48:00.000-08:00

It saddens me that there's nothing i feel worth writing about these days. Either the things i want to write about are really embarrassing and i'd never admit to even having those kinds of ideas or thoughts, or the things that i think are worth writing about turn out to be just pointless.
A friend at work said something good to me the other day which kind of made me feel better about myself and my lack of productivity in writing. I've just spent about 10 years of my life being educated, doing work, writing essays, reading text books and generally dedicating myself to a regime. Now i've finally been released, maybe i deserve to have a bit of a break before i plunge myself into work again. What do you guys think? I came out of uni with this attitude that i had to jump start back into writing again asap. But now i think about it, why not chill the fuck out for a few months? I have to be cautionary that these few months don't spiral into years though. But a few months of just bumming around sounds quite to my liking.

I get very concerned and feel very ashamed of myself when i compare myself to other people who are proactive and in control of producing work. I know that i have that part of myself in me, it's just not activated at the moment. Last night i was at my friends house and we were just partying and dancing and smoking and taking valiums and i thought to myself " I want to do this everynight. I want to do this everynight and have fun all the time and i don't care if i sound naive or silly or shamefully young". The confession is is that if i had a group of people who were willing to do that stuff with me all the time, i'd do it.
But i can't find anyone who's willing to dedicate their entire lives to leisure. And in truth i feel that a part of me will eventually get sick of it and tire of it as well. It's just a beautiful pipe dream. Not healthy to have too many of those let me be the first to tell you that.

Um wtf

2011-12-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

I went to meet up with a friend to check out his gallery/house yesterday, and it was so fucking weird. Originally, i had intended to check the space out as a studio for writing since writing at home proves futile and un-productive what with there being a billion distractions.
Once i went in though, i had this big " wtf " moment where all the strands of past thoughts came together to form a knot that was my decision at the second. I decided what the hell i'm just going to move into this room/out of home.
This is good and bad. It's bad because i won't have a studio so i'm REALLY going to have to step it up and discipline myself. It's good because i'll be living out of home finally.
Basically in a second i decided to move out of home. That's the only way i've ever made big decisions really. Impulsively and somewhat unconsciously. Right now, the place is technically habitable but it's a bit rough around the edges. My room is weird. There aren't any windows, just a sunlight on the ceiling that i have to get Louis to make sure that it opens so i don't stew in stuffy air the entire time. But generally, the entire building is sick.
The bottom levels are really big. The front room is going to be made into an art gallery and the second room is going to be converted into a cinema. I never thought i'd ever live on top of an art gallery.
So i bags the last room of Knight st. I hope that there aren't any lame technical difficulties where i can't move in because i've got my sights set on it already. I made such a quick decision because this opportunity was offered to me so openly and the thought of spending weeks to months looking for a new place to live sounds like absolute hell. That's like a full time job without pay pretty much. February is when we're all going to move in i'm pretty sure. It's just weird because i've just made this big decision and i know that even though February is still 2 months away, when you're 21 2 months is absolutely nothing.
Here's to weird times.
But then again, there really is a penchant in my life for the most wild and unexpected things to happen without warning.

2011-12-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE FREE

Recent Stack

2011-12-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

I still need more, but i've got to save money for a new desk.

2011-12-12T04:15:00.000-08:00

I went to Meredith and if there's one important or outstanding thing that i have derived from this experience is that Festivals are hedonism worlds and real world is so real when you come back from a place like Meredith and remember that you are a functioning component in society with a job, responsibilities and people to answer to.

Best song ever

2011-12-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Speak low - Billie Holiday

http://www.mediafire.com/?681kbbucbp23in6

2011-12-06T06:03:00.000-08:00

Jealousy is the most complex emotion of all. Simple people rarely if ever get jealous. I really believe that.

2011-12-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

I've accepted that despite its irony, showing depth and sensitivity attracts condescension and feelings of pity from other people

2011-12-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

You know those people who despite considering through rationale, still appeal to that irrational side of you? Like there are those people who stare at you and it feels as if they were with you at the most perverse and shameful times in your life where you were of course alone, and when they look at you it's as if they were saying " You thought you were alone but i know what you're really like"

2011-12-06T05:42:00.001-08:00

I hate to say this but i feel some people might empathize. But does anyone ever wonder if they're the only one who's seeing sense and everyone else is just crazy?

2011-12-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

I think that life is the most insidious thing in the world. At the same time, this is both reassuring and so fucking frightening because at all moments in time of your life you are in the process of arriving to some sort of unknown destination and these actions that you perform and the thoughts that you have unknowing on your part serve as impetuses that are driving you in the direction of an ultimate scare.

2011-12-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

Sure, 'nothing' is impossible. But the necessary precedents that lead up to the desired event are even harder to manifest or organize into reality than the final desired event. In other words, there is a process or a path that you have to go on that leads you to what you want. And even though the truism " nothing is impossible " sounds wonderful, we seldom realise that it is really the prior steps that are the more impossible feats not the end results themselves.

2011-12-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

Are personal truths and beliefs as a result of passion, or passion as a result of personal truths and beliefs? Which one starts first? I really believe all the questions i pose never have definitive answers. They are always dual answers.

2011-12-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm back on tumblr again.
From now on this blog is solely dedicated to text and text only.

http://yaleiwang.tumblr.com

Boss'in

2011-12-01T00:38:00.000-08:00

F.Kline

2011-11-30T23:45:00.000-08:00

Favorites this week on iTunes

Gotta go - Onra
Schwanegesang S.560 - Liszt
Revenge of the Nerds - Fulgeance
Motor - SebAstian

http://www.mediafire.com/?qs68bhxsabqs3

Book Depository Splurges

2011-11-30T23:37:00.001-08:00

And i've just bought another stack now that all of my orders have arrived. And...

Also just bought this off a person in the U.K. After weeks of waiting around and consulting the swatch store i just got so tired and fed up with them not having it in despite all their other stock arriving. I love awaiting things in the mail !

I'm really going to try

2011-11-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

It's been pretty evident so far that without uni my life is a complete mess. Without reins, i flail wildly. I've been 100% undisciplined and frankly i hate it. There comes a point with everyone when you realise that you can no longer bum around and sit on your ass and not do anything productive. So tomorrow is going to be the first day of change. I don't know how well i can keep to this because it's hard to break habits but i'm definitely going to give it a shot.

Here is my ideal day schedule that i wrote up at work today:

- Get up at 10am
- Write for 3 hours with break intervals
- Read for 2 hours after i finish writing for 3 hours
- Spend the nighttime either writing, watching TV, or Painting

I've known why i had such intense trouble beginning work but only writing them down in my notebook tonight did i truly undeniably identify them

- I am scared of failure and of my ideas being rejected
- I feel like there's no point starting because my work will never be good as people who constantly get published and have the ability to produce work regularly

To be honest, those reasons makes me feel extremely immature and naive. Of course everyone gets rejected and everyone experiences failure. People always tell you that failure is a part of growth and it so is, but everything that i write is inextricably tied with me, so when something i produce gets shut down, it's me who's really bearing the lashes not the work. It's also extremely hard to acknowledge people my age who receive lots of success. You shouldn't compare yourself to others but who doesn't and who is able to dodge this reflex? I seriously can't think of one person who hasn't or doesn't compare themselves to other people. It's difficult.

In all the books and texts i've read about famous authors, they have all shared the common trait of being dedicated, disciplined and passionate workers. All of them would write for hours well into the night and seldom take breaks. They're all the greats as well. I feel very ashamed that i haven't shown this kind of behavior and i know that if i keep this up, it's just going to indent itself deeper and deeper into me, and by the time i realise that i have to change it'll be even harder than how it's going to be now. It's really time to stop being a complete slob. Starting tomorrow. I've really had enough of this sort of mentality/lifestyle.

What i want most

2011-11-27T22:50:00.000-08:00

- To have a structured sleeping pattern. Waking up at 11am going to bed at 11pm
- To be able to make work on a regular basis, everyday to every second day
- To be able to walk to the station without feeling like my lungs are clenched like a fist
- To paint on a daily basis

A really good quote about Thoughts v Beliefs

2011-11-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

" ... With Thoughts the content is merely entertained without commitment to its being the case, to have a belief is to be committed to the truth of the proposition " - Noel Carroll

2011-11-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

TAKE ME SOMEWHERE WHERE PEOPLE AREN'T AFRAID TO BE THIS PASSIONATE

2011-11-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

I've been a slack blogger recently. Dodging the essential duty of writing which is what blogs are all about. Been posting videos of me churning out self involved drivel. Yeah, i've been pretty shit on the creative sphere. But i wanted to offer the people who read this something, it's just i don't know what and i don't even know if i have anything worthy to say right now.

All i know is that i'm in some new sort of plain. It's like this. This inability to create or write anything right now is either an impediment that is ultimately in preparation for a greater good, or the rest of my days. I have a choice but i really don't. I believe that certain people have the willpower to really exercise choice in their life and change their lives if they want to. I'm not one of these people who can just decide to do something and believe that they can. I believe in inevitability. I believe in it 100%.

2011-11-23T07:29:00.001-08:00

I will never be a writer!

THESE DAYS

2011-11-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've finished uni
I can't get any solo work started
But i have a million ideas in my notebook
My friends have also finished uni
They are standing alone in their field feeling lost

These days i spend night hours awake
and day times sleeping
I fantasize about being prolific, but pick South Park
and Wedges over the pen and the paper
I wonder what a life of leisure would be like
Kidnap me into that circle

These days i feel like i'm at the edge of a string and i'm
pin dropping to vast below
I feel like i'm crawling to the parameters edge of squares
to be confronted with an even bigger one

These days i've realised that the right hand pushes back all
that the left hand feeds to it
I know that the safest place to be is in yourself if you
can furnish the place right

These days we sit in a circle in Melbourne and i have my
elbows on the table
When i talk my eyes dart to the right. That's where i like
to curl up and plunge

Ignore the saccharine name

2011-11-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

Love Dreams - Liszt
http://www.mediafire.com/?pxt8elmc56vgjro

One of the most convincing things i've bought off iTunes yet.

2011-11-22T08:44:00.001-08:00

Breakfast at Tiffany's is one of my favorite movies ever

2011-11-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

You just want Varjack to capture her and you just want Holly to just admit she's just trying to run away from herself. You want them so badly to just get it together. I just want her to fucking admit she's lost and that she's one of those ' wild things ' and just to settle down. Goddamit it just settle the fuck down Holly.

2011-11-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

2011-11-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

I've really got to stop smoking.
I think my 8 years of doing it have actually caught up to me now. It's probably the best thing to happen to me, my enforcing cutting down because i find it so difficult to breathe when i walk fast or climb stairs or even if i'm just walking normally. I can't see it as a good thing though when all my friends are puffing away and i can only have my one cigarette for the day. First world problems. Ha.

The piano teacher

2011-11-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

4.30 what do you make? a vid.

2011-11-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

Marle doesn't give a shit that this cow lick fringe changed my life. But i just have to put it out there. haha :-D

URGHHHHH!!H!H!

2011-11-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

Have avoided writing in this blog because i suck. I suck and i suck and i suck.
On the plus side i fucking smashed a whole pizza to myself and am having private mentoring sesh's with my writing teacher. She's set me a task of writing about intellect vs Emotions and guess what, there's no criterion. She told me that i was rationalizing too much and that the reason i didn't get a Distinction for my final peice was because i was holding back the passion. When she said this i was absolutely shocked. If anything i need to stop being so obvious with my feelings about things. Anyway i smashed out the peice at work today and i am so anxious to hear what she says about it. I am not expecting miracles ( if you work in the creative field or are involved in it it's best to never expect them ) but even if she says it's shit and that she hates it, i have to know. The shit that hurts is the shit that matters. Bring it on.

2011-11-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

What can't you do ( or get ) with a a face like that? Anna Selezneva you absolute babe!!!!

De kooning is boss

2011-11-14T09:31:00.001-08:00

Check out the size of this studio. Totally made.

Let's not forget Conan either

2011-11-14T07:01:00.001-08:00

I LOVE YOU DAVE

2011-11-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

2011-11-12T06:07:00.000-08:00

Cancion Sintecta - Cristian Vogel

http://www.mediafire.com/?c8iokzdjftei531

A six year old did this and i love it

2011-11-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

Idealist Philosophy

2011-11-10T21:34:00.001-08:00

I listen to this and think about how every guy in L.A must be like Cisco Adler

2011-11-10T08:55:00.001-08:00

Buzzin' - Schwayze

http://www.mediafire.com/?ebnvnlv7vn0g54f

I never get sick of listening to this song, feels like a new story each time

2011-11-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Coal Miners daughter - Loretta Lynn

http://www.mediafire.com/?nurv3w4hog8e298

I listen to this and see myself running to catch the metro in paris and laughing because i know i'm not gonna make it

2011-11-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Rain - Ryuichi Sakamoto

http://www.mediafire.com/?7bgyssbabgcpg66

I listen to this and pretend i'm a farmers daughter living in America's south who's got pigtails and wears overalls and has freckles

2011-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Tumbleweed - Communist Daughter

http://www.mediafire.com/?rlhdk1q9k4w1nbp

I listen to this and think GUUUUUUUUUUURLLLL

2011-11-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

Silly Ho - TLC

http://www.mediafire.com/?gay952vo3x3vsaf

I listen to this and thrash the hell out of the world like a punching bag

2011-11-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

Pluto - Bjork

http://www.mediafire.com/?8b5dcc1apsgmwj3

I listen to this and think

2011-11-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

Prophecies - Phillip Glass

http://www.mediafire.com/?87zx8igu7zj5ake

I listen to this and never wanna grow up and not be able to fall in love every week with someone new

2011-11-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Only Love can break your Heart - Saint Etienne

http://www.mediafire.com/?bxfx388qe33q7p4

I listen to this and pretend i know what boys want

2011-11-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I know what Boys want - The waitresses

http://www.mediafire.com/?pptb1gbmz1us60q

I listen to this and wish i was the girl Nadsroic is singing about

2011-11-10T08:18:00.001-08:00

Leopards - Nadsroic

http://www.mediafire.com/?j372teucijbr8rj

I listen to this and agree that girls all want the same things

2011-11-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

What a Girl Wants - Christina Aguilera

http://www.mediafire.com/?fmhbxpncb56p8jr

I listen to this and pretend i'm a hot blonde like Brigitte Bardot

2011-11-10T08:10:00.000-08:00

Initials B.B - Serge Gainsbourg

http://www.mediafire.com/?x7ed8tfjy34iptu

I listen to this and imagine myself in a crowd, unleashed and arms flailing everywhere

2011-11-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

Inchworm - Battles

http://www.mediafire.com/?hp2q297myufsojm

I listen to this and pretend i'm Holly Golightly, everyone wants to cage me in but noone ever can

2011-11-10T08:07:00.001-08:00

Moon River - Henry Mancini

http://www.mediafire.com/?fu17edvocwnpasn

I listen to this and feel awesome to be an asian person

2011-11-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

The Vallee of Love - Onra

http://www.mediafire.com/?n151b7o1wkb4leo

I listen to this and feel like " yeah fucking hell it's true damn "

2011-11-10T08:01:00.001-08:00

All you get from love is a love song - The Carpenters

http://www.mediafire.com/?94nf5cqn3fiy0c1

2011-11-06T06:01:00.000-08:00

The most dangerous thing about living completely within the intangible, is that the world of the intangible is infinitely big. In fact, big does not even suffice to justify the size of it because the word big has limitations. If you're living in the intangible. In the realm of thoughts and ideas. If you are more connected to this realm of thinking than the realm of tangible thinking, of physical evidence and matter then there are no limits to how sad, happy, angry or insane you are capable of feeling because there are no tangible barriers to hem you in.

2011-11-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

My room

2011-11-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

I realised i never posted a photo before of my room. I love photos of peoples rooms, so i thought i'd share with you guys the most important place for me. This was taken today. It was one of those moments when you realise how comfortable you are in your room. I was laying back and watching Beauty and the Geek after a tiring day and it couldn't have been any more perfect.

This Fucking Woman

2011-11-01T23:20:00.001-07:00

" Those who have suffered understand suffering
And thereby extend their hand, the storm that
brings harm also makes fertile, blessed is the
grass and herb and the true thorn and light "

" Jimi Hendrix... was a nigger, Jesus Christ and
Grandma too. Jackson Pollock was a nigger, nigger,
nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger "

- Rock'n'Roll Nigger

"And I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get out of here
I'm gonna get out of here, I'm gonna get on that train,
I'm gonna go on that train and go to New York City
I'm gonna be somebody, I'm gonna get on that train, go to New York City,
I'm gonna be so big, I'm gonna be a big star and I will never return,
Never return, no, never return, to burn at this Piss Factory"

- Piss Factory
Favorite...

2011-11-01T06:37:00.001-07:00

What I'm listening to

2011-11-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe - Janis Joplin
Glassworks - Phillip Glass
Westcyde 242 - The Pharcyde
Duettino Sull'aria - The Marriage of Figaro - Mozart
If i didn't care - The Inkspots
Third stone from the sun - Jimi Hendrix

http://www.mediafire.com/?qxqk9iiynjvxx

I can't begin anything

2011-11-01T00:11:00.000-07:00

Trepidation stops me from beginning anything.
I have a huge fear in beginning everything in life. Most of all writing, which is detrimental because how can i ever improve and continue to grow if i don't fucking start?
Tomorrow is always a better day. I'm jealous of people who jump start themselves into new projects without this fear and uncertainty that possesses me even before i can even produce something that can account for these sorts of emotions. The best writers and artists are constantly engaged in their work. THE BEST WRITERS AND ARTISTS ARE CONSTANTLY ENGAGED IN THEIR WORK. I don't believe that they have any trouble starting at all.

QUESTION : When can we privilege ourselves with the label " Writer or Artist". I'm concerned with this issue because i feel that there is so much prestige behind these labels that to label yourself as one of these is to sound overly self-assured. But then again, it's so much easier to say " I'm a writer " than " I'm doing writing ". Still, SO MUCH PRESTIGE. Perhaps it isn't up to us to deem ourselves as writers or artists but up to others. I think that's it. It's up to others.

I want to believe

2011-10-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching this film called " The beating of the Butterfly's wings ". It was about chance, destiny and fate. On an emotional level, i loved the film because i wanted to believe that happenings in our lives were arranged and that nothing in life is ever subject to chance. On an intellectual level, i knew that the idea of destiny was simply an idea. And one that only exists in certain peoples minds if they choose to believe that it existed.

Our lives are a series of events linked in succession of each other. We can choose to imbue significance to how certain events are linked, or we can choose to imbue nothing to them at all. The film obviously chose to present the perspective of the former, and i am at odds in regards to which one i feel more compelled to believe. It's difficult when you can see why people would want to believe in the concept of destiny. Understanding why obliterates mystery, which is what beckons us towards a belief system or some means of meta-narrative.
People want to believe in destiny or fate because it instills purpose and explanation in their lives. It is their own way of obliterating mystery. To believe in destiny is to turn the statement " Life is meaningless " into " Life is meaningful ".

The film presented a dozen or so characters and linked all the situations that they found themselves in through another character's actions. One character threw a rock down the balcony which subsequently hit the front screen of a taxi, surprising the taxi driver into braking suddenly. Another character of the movie who was inside the taxi, then had to go to hospital for a broken nose as result of hitting her face against the window due to the force of the taxi coming to a halt. Questions about fate and destiny are most definitely raised, but so are what leads us to our destinies. Seemingly banal and insignificant actions which we are ignorant of, have a colossal impact upon ours and other peoples lives.
A part of me feels that either perspective is warranted. You can choose to see minor actions as having major consequences and attach the label ' fate ' to it and that's fine because this is a belief system that you've chosen to adopt in order to make sense of life.
Or, you can choose to see life merely as a succession of events. Nothing more nothing less. Believing in fate and destiny isn't delusional. Rejecting notions of some higher power doesn't make you obtuse or dull minded.

As i said, i'm at odds as to which one i personally believe in. I know that i really want to believe that there is such a thing as fate. Sometimes i feel that some things in my life were predetermined. And i definitely feel that there are things in my life that are beyond my choice or control. But because i can see that people choose to believe in fate because it brings them comfort and explanation, their belief in fate comes from a place of personal need rather than personal conviction. You are not delusional if you believe in fate or destiny, but i believe that belief in these ideas is a very self-serving thing. We believe in fate and destiny in order to bring comfort to ourselves. So is belief in destiny and fate actually about seeking solace or accepting what's been laid out for us?
It's probably neither either, but both. Seeking solace by accepting what's been laid out for us more like.

2011-10-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Respecting

2011-10-29T07:07:00.001-07:00

" There is something wrong, irresponsible and mindless about color; something impossible to control. Control and rationality are part of my morality." -- Ad Reinhard

2011-10-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

2011-10-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

Good grades and enough sleep = makes sense
Good grades and Social life = doesn't make sense
Enough sleep and social life = Makes sense

2011-10-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

Bas Jan Ader is pretty much my ideal man

I'm so ok with this life right now

2011-10-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

Raging storm/rain outside, candle lit, Fruit Salad.

WORLD IN YOUR HEAD

2011-10-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

These days in particular, i feel like I'm living entirely in my head.
I know that there's a real world beyond me, but i retrieve back into my mind more often than I probably should. I don't really have a problem with it though. I live in my own world. The best part of the day is when it's 5am and i am just beginning to feel the roots of fatigue growing over me. When this happens, whatever fastens me to the quotidian reality is unfastened by the willingness of my mind to detach myself from the tangible.
I don't know what heroin feels like, but in my mind i imagine it to feel like this space between waking and falling asleep. Where a part of your mind knows that it's being taken over by a physical force that is beyond your control. When you are on the verge of falling asleep, you are aware that you are slipping into a new state. And even though you are aware, you acquiesce to it. The acquiescence is the crux of the pleasure.

Despite being only semi-conscious when I'm about to fall asleep, i find this to be the most liberating thinking time of my day. Perhaps thinking hovers too intellectually over what i mean, because i don't actually think during this time, but become victim to images and feelings that vaporize from beneath the sheath of logic consciousness to the vastness above.
In order to be completely immersed in this mental terrain, it's necessary for you to be completely alone and completely quiet. You also have to be completely detached from your environment. I crave silence because i always want to be in this world. I believe that everyone's mind is an arena of a billion voices. During the day, they are less audible to us as when they surface when all is completely silent. There are a bevy of reasons as to why people develop troubles with sleeping. One of the reasons to me, must be that they can't quell these voices that despite only delivering images and thoughts with substantial volume, are heard with the weight, pitch and intensity of screams. Your mind is like a neon diner sign. Bright and hyper-alert.

Now that my days are less occupied with tasks and i have ample amounts of free time, i don't mind not being able to sleep because of my inability to silence what's inside of me. I completely plunge myself into memories, imaginations and alternate endings to what's happened in my life.
I spend long stretches of time imagining and re-staging things that have happened to me. I also spend long stretches of time staging what i hope to be in the future. I also formulate questions and attempt to answer them myself. Ideas are conjured through unexpected marriages between the left side of the brain and the right. Spending all this time in your mind is like reading one of those choose your own adventure books, except there's never a final chapter. You want to arrive at a destination but there isn't one. Even if there were, new paths would arise and a part of you would be too curious to not embark upon that path.
I don't feel like i have too many outstanding qualities and skills. But i do hold this ability to be able to penetrate into my mind as something i do hold over other people.
We all devote ourselves to our thoughts and feelings. But what separates some people from others is how inquiring some are over others.
I know that this trait of mine is probably bordering on unhealthy and obsessional. But i can't divorce myself from this self-participation. If the outside world can't offer you gratification, just go ahead and forge it in your own mind.

2011-10-24T07:27:00.001-07:00

I have this huge problem. The problem is that when i want something, i become completely obsessed with attaining it. You can imagine how harrowing this is for me. I am in complete servitude to my desires and there's not one second when i'm free from my obsessions. You can call it greed because in a sense it is selfish. It's selfish because my pursuit for whatever it is that i'm hankering after is for the purpose of gratifying myself. The sole purpose of attaining what is out there is so that i can validate myself in some way.
There are going to be lots of different things that i'm going to want in the future, but at the moment one of my desires has resurfaced and that desire is for the ability to be able to paint realistically. I can't explain it, i am completely infatuated and posesssed by this urgency to be able to paint things realistically. I can say with the utmost conviction that the two biggest desires for me in life are to be a great writer and to be a great painter. Honestly, you can quote me on that.
Now i am knowledgable to the fact that realistic art does not pertain it to be' good ' as people i know who study art have let me know. And i agree with this. The reason why i want to be able to paint realistically is because i feel that it shows extreme discipline and diligence and an acute sense of awareness. When i see realistic paintings, i am impresssed because i feel as if it shows a sense of detachment from idiosyncratic perception. The artist demonstrates his or her ability to be able to ' see things as they really are ' and faithfully reproduce it. This may seem extremely boring though. If you want a faithful reproduction, why not go one better and just simply take a photo? The reason why i want to paint realistically is because i really, really want to be able to see things as they actually are, and to divorce my own perceptions from the outside world.
I do not feel the same way in regards to writing. I feel this way in regards to painting because it is a visual medium and to be able to reproduce things accurately in a visual medium through painting to me, is so amazing.
I can't sever myself from what i paint. All the things that i paint and draw all seem to have this me-ness about them that hovers over it like a pungent smell. I really want so badly to be able to paint things and people and for it to look like them not because i believe this will make the painting good but because i believe that it shows lucidity of reality and a detachment from idiosyncrasy. The things and the people that i draw and paint look positively distorted and it's my eyes that are distorting all these things that i reproduce.
I did this painting today and it actually angers me just to look at it. It doesn't look anything like my mum at all but this naive and simplistic representation of her that's been warped by my ideas about what she ' ACTUALLY ' looks like.
I know that i'll always be chasing after this desire to be able to paint the subject faithfully, and i know that i'll probably never truly be able to. The fact that all my paintings and drawings have this naivety about them is evidence of an ingrained component within myself that identifies who i am. Despite this, i still feel urgency to somehow attain it and i'm going to keep on trying no matter how long it takes.
These sorts of desires are a nuisance because they defy rationality. You attempt to try and quell them through reasoning but they are beyond reason. I'm thankful that i now have so much time on my hands because i can focus on this goal of mine on a daily basis.

Exchange between Nana and Coffee drinker in Vivre Sa Vie

2011-10-24T00:04:00.001-07:00

Vivre Sa Vie is one of the films that was in my stack to watch this week. It's about this prostitute named Nana ( Anna Karina ) and her life in Paris. I found this particular conversation to be interesting and visceral hence why i typed out the entire thing. I really liked the things that he man said about how talking and thinking are inextricably linked. I thought i'd share it with you guys.

Mind if i look

No

you look bored

not at all

what are you doing

Im reading

Will you buy me a drink

If you like

Do you come here often?

Occasionally, i Happened by

What are you reading?

It's my job

It's odd, suddenly i don't know what to say
it often happens to me. I know what i want to say
I think about whether it is what i mean. But when the moment
comes to speak, i Can't say it

Yes Of course. You've read the Three Musketeers?

I saw the film, Why?

Because in it, Porthos, This is really in Twenty years later
Porthos, tall, strong, a little stupid he's never thought in his life
he has to place a bomb in a cellar to blow it up. He does it,
he places the bomb, lights the fuse, then runs away of course.
But suddenly, he begins to think. What about How is it possible
to put one foot before the other? You must have thought about that
too. So he stops running. he can't go on, he can't move forward. The
bomb explodes, the cellar falls on him, he bears it on his shoulders
but after a day, or maybe two, he is crushed to death. The first time he
thought, it killed him

Why did you tell me that story?

No reason just to talk

Why must one always talk?
Often one shouldn't talk, but live in silence. The more talk, the less
the words mean

Perhaps, but can one?

I don't know

I've found that we can't live without talking

I'd like to live without talking

yes, it would be nice wouldn't it? Like loving one another more. But
it isn't possible

But why? Words should express just what one wants to say. Do they
betray us?

But we betray them too. One should be able to express oneself, it
has been done in writing. Think : Someone like Plato he can.
Yet he wrote in greek, 2,500 years ago noone really knows the
language, at least, not exactly. yet someone gets through so we should
be able to express ourselves. And we must

Why must we? To Understand each other?

We must think, and for thought we need words. There's no other way
to think. One must talk to communicate, that's life

Yes, but it is very difficult. I think life should be easy. Your talk of
the three musketeers may make a good story, but it's terrible

Yes but its a pointer. I believe one learns to talk well only when one
has renounced life for a time. That's the price

So to speak is fatal?

Speaking is almost a resurrection in relation to life. Speech is another
life from when one does not speak. So to live in speech, one must pass
through the death of life without speech. I may not be putting it clearly,
but there is a kind of ascetic rule that stops one from talking well until
one sees life with detachment

But one can't live everyday life with… i don't know

With detachment?
We balance, that's why we pass from silence to words. We swing
between the two because its the movement of life. From everyday life
one rises to a life we call superior. The thinking life. But this life
presupposes one has killed the everyday, the elementary life

Then thinking and talking are the same thing?

So i believe. Plato said so; it's an old idea. One cannot distinguish
the thought from the words that express it. An instant of thought can
only be grasped through words

So one must talk and risk lying?

Lies too are part of our quest. Errors and lies are very similar
I don't mean ordinary lies, like i promise to come tomorrow, but
i don't, as i didn't want to. You see those are ploys. But a subtle lie
is little different from an error. One searches and can't find the right
word, that's why you didn't know what to say. You were afraid of not
finding the right word. That's the explanation

How can one be sure of having found the right word?

One must work. It needs an effort. One must speak in a way that is right,
doesn't hurt, says what has to be said, does what has to be done,
without hurting or bruising

One must try to be in good faith. Someone told me : " There is truth
in everything, even in error "

That's true. France didn't see it in the seventieth century they thought
that one could avoid error and whats more, that one could live
directly in the truth. it isn't possible hence Kant, Hegel, German
philosophy to bring us back to life…and make us see that we must
pass through error to arrive at the truth

What do you think about love?

The body had to come to it, Leibnitz introduced the contingent,
Contingent truths and necessary truths make up life. German
philosophy showed us that in life, one thinks with the servitudes and
errors of life. One must manage with that, that's true

Shouldn't love be the only truth?

For that, love would always have to be true. Do you know anyone who
knows at once what he loves? No, when you're twenty you don't know.
All you know are bits and pieces, you make arbitrary choices.
Your " I Love" is an impure affair but to be completely at one with what
you love, you need maturity. That means searching. This is the truth
of life. That's why love is a solution, on condition that it is true

TODAY I LIKE(D)

2011-10-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

Johnny Depp : I just watched Edward Scissor hands and am totally balled over by him. BALLED O-VAH. I'm not like 90% of the world who think he's great because he's such a babe, in fact for a very long time i did not see why people thought he was good looking. But DAMN he's talented and him as Edward Scissorhands was amazing. He was so vulnerable and adorable. I am totally in love with Johnny Depp. Yep.

Listening to my iPod and painting what comes into my mind : This is possibly one of the most pleasurable past times that anyone can do. I had to remind myself to stop holding back because i wanted to make sure what i painted was ' good '. I had to just let myself go crazy and mind vomit all over the page. The things i painted out of random cathartic release was so much better and more rewarding to do than the things that i was all mindful over.

The Weather : 30 degrees is pretty perfect weather in my opinion. I hate the extreme heat we get in summer, and the extreme cold we get in winter. Why can't it just be in the 25-30 range for a longer while? I feel like summer and winter both go for ages and spring is merely a snatch of time before it's finished. It felt good to sit in the deck chair and read my novel in the afternoon.

My Just added Playlist :
The Pharcyde, Biophilia by Bjork, Janis Joplin and Best Coast

WHAT'S YOUR MAIN OCCUPATION?

2011-10-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

I've always been extremely dubious of the abilities of slashers. You know those people : Model/actress/author. Get real. It takes a lifetime to master just one of those occupations let alone all of them. Although i have to say being a model isn't really a real sort of artform that you can perfect yourself on. You can improve your poses and know your angles but to me it's not really an admirable occupation. It's definitely cool and everyone wants to be you, but noone looks up to you for your mind or ideas. How can you say you are more than one thing? I think people can only ever define themselves with one discipline. You can have skills in other areas, but you're always going to be much better at something than another. There's always going to be one thing that you excel in more than most if not all other things in your life. Excellence mightn't be the main case though. If you don't find you excel in any areas of your life, it might be a hearty interest that prioritizes something over another.

The quality of a persons work or their skills in that area for me, must be questioned if they claim the rights to more than one field. If you have to separate yourself into more than one field, then time is sacrificed. If you spend an entirety of your time dedicated to one area, you will advance much more rapidly than if you spend half of your time in that area and the other half in another. It's inevitable that you're going to spend more time in certain disciplines than others, which only goes to prove my point that we can only ever define ourselves through one discipline. Despite the fact that we can enjoy a whole range of occupations/subjects, there'll always be one that will dominate your favor over the others.
You are not as good as a writer as you are a musician. You're probably a musician, that writes stories sometimes.

Having said all of this, I do not believe that we should limit ourselves to one area of interest or focus. We should take up whatever interests us and improve and develop in that field as much as possible. I dig James Franco because he's involved with not only acting but also art and writing. It's good because he takes advantage of the differences between these creative outlets. His acting, writing and art ( or of anyone who dabbles in more than one type of creative outlet really ) all depart from the same locus. But despite the fact that they venture off into different forms, they all originate from the same place.
No matter how good his writing or his art is he's not an artist or a writer though, he's an actor. That's what he's defined as and no matter how successful i can potentially become in another field i will always identify myself with writing. I just feel that you can never completely accomplish a field. You can never actually really master it. This goes back to my theory about how there is no ultimate place or goal for us, because once we arrive there, we visualize 'higher' terrain. So if you can't ever master one field, then how can you possibly think you can master two?

I love not hving a fringe

2011-10-22T03:40:00.000-07:00

I'm just hankering for that stage when it'll be long enough to be a proper cowlick. Went to work today. So proud of myself for not sleeping in and calling in ' sick '. Came home today and crashed for 4 hours out cold. Gonna spend the entire fucking day tomorrow with my iPod on and my paints and painting brushes out. I love painting because i am SO bad at it. There's so much to learn and and improve upon.

NEW HAIR

2011-10-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

So long fringe. We've had some good times together, but the fact you made me look like a chubster 10 year old fob was cramping my style.

2011-10-19T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today was beautiful!
It wasn't perfect because i found it to be just a bit too hot but it wasn't overly hot. I wore my sleeveless polka dot dress and went to work. Sunny days put me in a good mood so i always am glad to have them. But that doesn't mean that i like summer. I hate it actually. I hate the heat and i hate how you can't do anything to escape the heat besides sit in front of an air conditioner. But it was a great day because i was in a good mood. They finally confronted me today about how i never came to work on the weekends. But they were sort of good about it because it's a medical condition ( My inability to sleep ). I knew that they'd finally say something about it. On the way home there was a crazy person on my tram screaming out obscenities. None of it made any sense and he was screaming so loudly. I got freaked out but i was also greatly annoyed by it. He was simply a nuisance and tarnished what could've been a quiet and swift end to my good day. You know, I would listen to crazy people scream and rant if their screaming and ranting made sense.
When i got home i watched " Blood of a Poet " by Jean Cocteau. I really admire and look up to him now. He's another artist that really gets it. All of it. He said so much good stuff about the creative process and the temperament of artists and what it means to be a dreamer and a poet. I was needless to say just swept up by it all.

Now uni is pretty much officially over, people have been asking me what i'm going to do now. I know that they ask from a place of general curiosity but i can't help but feel like part of their enquiry also comes from a place of cynicism and doubt. The real question that they are asking is what CAN a person involved in the arts do after they finish their degree? Well the answer is simple and it's possibly the biggest indulgement that anyone in a creative field can say. TO DEVELOP THEMSELVES IN THEIR FIELD. The best thing about this answer is that any creative person can say this for the rest of their lives and can get away with it. The reason why i say it isn't because i can get away with it. It's because it's true. For me, this vast stretch of time is all about watching films, reading books, listening to music, discovering new writers and artists and musicians, and WRITING. All the books and music and art that i look at expands and directs me. It's the best thing ever and i intend to do it for the rest of my life. I need to do it for the rest of my life. But can a person actually spend all their days simply doing this? Reading and writing and watching films? YES THEY CAN! Well i definitely can that's for sure. Not only is it beneficial for me, it's the most enjoyable thing ever. You're on your own journey and there's no way you can stop because there's still so much to go ahead of you.
Without uni, i have complete control and choice over what i want to discover and learn. It's kind of like i'm making my own curriculum and it goes according to my criterion. FORMER CRITERION ABOLISHED.

COCTEAU

2011-10-19T07:35:00.001-07:00

" Poets must give their all in order to obtain the slightest approval " - J.C

PSYCHED

2011-10-18T03:10:00.000-07:00

Yup.
Officially doners. Besides the lame-ass online unit which happens in 4 weeks. But that's ok because it's all done online so i don't have to go to uni. So 4 weeks of painting, reading, writing, watching movies and chilling the fuck out. Picked a load of movies today from the library and i'm excited to start the stack. Also can't wait to start writing shit i want to write about and studying things that i'm interested in. Or-someee

Kiko Mizuhara

2011-10-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

SUCH A BABE
Except the bra over t-shirt look is fugly and weird

2011-10-15T23:20:00.001-07:00

Just about up to here with studying. I don't want to write another academic essay for atleast another year. Bring on drinking and fucking having fun every day and not being responsible for anything. And bring on self-involvement in terms of being creative. I am just going to write what the hell i want and it's all going to be about what i want to create. I'm over having to slave myself away for the education system. I dont' give a shit about Foucault and i haven't studied for one minute for him either and i think i'm just gonna watch americas next top model for the next 4 hours and not study so whatever.

2011-10-14T01:47:00.000-07:00

A feeling can lay inside you for years. It's dormant, beneath the sheath of your everyday consciousness. When you open your eyes, it may not be the first thing you see, but at the end of the day it emerges from the rubble as the closing thought of the night.

She is like coolest asian person we've ever had

2011-10-14T00:36:00.001-07:00

AUDIO ENTRY No.1

2011-10-11T07:44:00.001-07:00

http://www.mediafire.com/?qh5j46sq3nxxwau

2011-10-11T07:31:00.001-07:00

So i'm thinking of recording myself talking about things and posting it on here. Is that weird? Is the concept of my voice speaking to you in your bedroom creepy? It probs is but it'd be such a fun project for me to do. It's a chance to develop more as a speaker than a writer.

2011-10-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

It's pretty clear that i post way too much. Too much for people to still think that i have somewhat of a life. It's true i have lots of spare time. Which is lame, because you're lame if you have heaps of spare time. I just finished 6 hours of studying. Not solid studying though. There have been 1 hour breaks so i guess it actually ends up being about 3 hours of studying. Nonetheless, i got a good amount of work done. I feel more attuned to de beauvoir now.
I think i'm about to go and make some fried eggs on toast then take an imovane and go to bed. It's weird. Last week i was dying to fall asleep and now i have the drugs to make changes, i kind of just want to stay up and write on this dumb blog.
I felt like deleting this blog two days ago because a girl with too many thoughts is an inattractive thing. And all girls care about whether they seem attractive or not. Some more than others, but the thought crossing their mind? Definite happenings.
I'm slightly concerned about what the doctor is going to do when i go back to tell him that i need more imovane to fall asleep because doctors hate prescribing sleep medication because 90% of them are addictive. I hope he just keeps on giving them to me because it's been really fucking nice to fall asleep earlier for a change.

New top shop top

2011-10-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

Bought this just over two weeks ago and arrived today. Needless to say i am psyched. Was also worried if i bought the size too big but turned out it was perfect. Tight tops always need to be bought in bigger sizes. Now to a whole week of studying for my lame philosophy exam. De Beauvoir and Foucault are calling

2011-10-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Way up High

2011-10-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

2011-10-08T01:34:00.000-07:00

I was just reading all these old entries from my friends blog from two years ago. I don't have anything special to say about how i feel. It's just the typical " Oh wow how different was everything/was i? etc " ... But like that's just it. Everything was so different that i actually feel sad to think about the past. There were photos of her from 2 years ago and i think of her now. I think of her now and of who she was then. There are also photos of me and i cringe at them because i was so different and used to dress so boldly and loudly. It makes me embarrassed to think that people are going to see those photos and think that's still how i am because i'm definitely not. I hate those clothes that i used to wear. I can't pull them off.
There's just this humungous feeling inside of me. Everything is just rolling towards the future and every second is the past. When i look at those photos from two years ago, it was literally a different world. Things were different then. I was different, the relationships were different, how we relate to eachother is different now. Change is one of the saddest things ever. Change the thing itself. Not change from good to bad or bad to good. The fact that things morph into new shapes leaving behind what we once invested ourselves in, is just so goddamn sad.

2011-10-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

As if meryl streep did the voice of jessica. She doesn't even sound like her